Pensieve Sept

H had finally looked into welfare benefits today. He sent me to pick up the documents to apply but because of my meager-income generating gigs, he seems to say that we may not be qualified for such. Oh, yeah. It seems he's blaming me again. Saying that since I'm earning, I should be the one supporting the family. That it's my turn. That, since we're family, I should do that. I should help him. Help him what?? To be a bum?

If I would foot the bills, he totally won't be forced to find an income. Just like he did for more 7 years when we were living in my hometown, rent-free. He seemed to be satisfied to sell his stocks bit by bit for our living expenses. Yes, we managed to live like that for years when we were there. We scrimped and lived alright. But there what you call my own yearning for financial freedom. I want to be able to do and get some stuff which he won't/isn't willing to provide for so I have to get a couple of source of income. I am fine with that. But with a growing kid that I would like to be able to provide for better, and my own needs as well, I decided to convince them to be back here.

As expected, I am able to get a few jobs by God's grace and earning a bit. The sad thing is, my husband has none since we've been here for the last two years. A few months that he had a chance, he chose to quit. My BIL has been giving him chances a few times but he never really took the bait to work them out. I can totally hear his sigh of exasperation as I hear my own frustration. A few months ago, hubs had asked me to foot the bills. I had been covering the groceries since I started earning a bit so this is an additional one which I really feel I should refuse for the sake of my sanity. Why? If somebody covers the grocery, and foots the bills, I don't think he would get his butt off to find a source of income other that his depleting stocks-for-sale.

That was the straw. After a few emotional outbursts, and tortures, we sat down and I explained why I am not giving in to those bills. It got him a bit and even suggested a divorce. Oh right! You're playing right into my hands. But no..that's not my game. It's gonna be a lose-lose thing if we do now. There's another way if he'd only work on something. I pray.

He came up with selling his car in order to pay the bills. I said I cannot afford that. Then he decided to study for the civil service test that can get him a job if he pass. Thing is he needs money to buy the books to prepare for that. He offered to sell his car to me again in installment basis. I tried to weigh it out. He's got a job plan at least, and I'm using the car anyway, so I shelled out the 250. That's another tricky thing as the car ownership name will still be his since it has still some benefits if it remains so. I may lose out on this --- again. My son says I should just buy my own.
It's more complicated than that.

So he finally looks into government welfare. He has to submit all our bank accounts to do so and that would mean it will show that I am supposedly earning enough to support ourselves. Yeah, right. That can be possible but that's not what I want. I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. I am all for working women but I grew up seeing my father work his hands off to provide for us. My mom helps but it's still my dad who is the main provider. To see it otherwise now is totally frustrating. So I'm doing what I think I should so it will not stay this long.  And I get to be blamed for this now.

Emotional attack but I try to keep my head in check. I won't lose it. I just hope that he pass that test and get a job. Once he's in, my next is to prepare him when he is forced to retire from the government in just a couple of years. I just hope that he won't pass it on his son to be the breadwinner at that time coz P would still be underage by that time.

To let this all out, I just have to write it all.  And perhaps google for some info into this matter.
Wife breadwinner tips from huffington

3. If you’re angry or resentful, find a way to get to the bottom of it. You’ll want to figure out what’s behind your frustration. Is it that you think your husband should be doing more to find work or to get a higher-paying job? You’d like to work less feverishly but feel you have no choice because you and your spouse need the income? You believe your husband should do more to help out in other ways? You’re still harboring a grudge because you think he didn’t pull his weight on childcare duties when your kids were younger? Or might there be deeper marital issues at play?

One exercise Mellan suggests is writing out your feelings in a letter to your husband but not showing it to him. Then, imagine the note he’d write back with his point of view and write that one, too.

I'm ok about earning more. But not about earning alone.

“Convey a positive attitude and sense of teamwork showing that ‘we’re in this together,’”

Use a “mirroring” exercise to help couples have this discussion. Each plays back what the other says without editorial comment. This technique builds more empathy and compassion.

7. Break the tension by finding ways to have fun.
~~~
NY Mag 
Alpha Women, Beta Men

First, the wife starts to lose respect for her husband, then he begins to feel emasculated, and then sex dwindles to a full stop.

There's hope.